I know it has been a few days..but there is only so much cute stuff that I can write about before you all stop reading my blog. We all know how cute Deuce is...and that he is chunky...and that he is the smartest baby ever!! LOL
Anyways, I was talking to my sister and one of my besties yesterday about a dream I had and wanted to share.
I was at the hospital with my husband, mother and stepfather waiting for Deuce to come out of surgery. I see the doctor walk up to me and it seems like it is all in slow motion. He is shaking his head and he tells me Deuce did not make it. I can see myself screaming and trying to hit the doctor and my husband is holding me back. But what was weird was I felt the loss in my heart just then. I woke up crying and for like 5 or 10 seconds I felt like my insides were ripped out of me and my soul was no longer mine. I felt so empty and meaningless. It felt like my heart exploded and that I had no reason to live at that point.
Then I looked over and I saw Deuce laying next to me and at that instant I felt full. I can't even explain how wonderful it felt to look over at him. I couldn't imagine losing him. I know it's normal for a mother to think or dream of bad things happening to their children, because we try so hard to protect them. I'm so in love with my children, I can't even explain. I wished I was able to take his place in surgery, and take all the pain he will endure away. He is perfect in my eyes and I love him exactly the way he is. The closer his surgery date gets the more nervous I get. At this point I think I have completely shut down emotionally and need to just get through these next few months.
On a brighter note. Deuce took his first few steps. I am so proud of him. I think a baby learns from seeing others and my Bff's son, Grayson, is just starting to walk. I think Deuce sees him and wants to get around like him. Those two boys are funny. Deuce is not a huggy kissy baby and Grayson is. Grayson wants to hug and maul Deuce with love and Deuce wants no part of it. It's very funny to watch them together. I wished Deuce was more lovey dovey but maybe it will happen later down the line.
I am really wanting to start taking donations to make care packages for people in this area who is going through the same thing I am going through. I can't find any support groups in this area and I know Deuce isn't the only one that this has happened to. The color that represents Craniosynostosis is purple, so someway I would incorporate that in the gift baskets. Something for the babies that are in the hospital. Blankets, toiletries, mouthwash, toothpaste,snacks, toys, ect. ---- I am going to do this!
Well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
This is a time to be thankful and I just want to say I am thankful for my children, my family and my friends.
xoxoxoxox
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